Adele - Someone Like You

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal) (Extended Version)

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

'Heavy' Mary Oliver

"Heavy," by Mary Oliver

That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,

as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel,
(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry

but how you carry it -
books, bricks, grief -
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down."
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?

Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled -
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?

Me?

I... Am
A lover
A dreamer
A loud mouth
I tend to wear my heart all over my body instead of just my arm.
I am bossy
I am insecure
I'm beautiful
A wanna be
A flirt
A girl turning into a woman
Afraid
Scared
Strong
Bright
Cheerful
Cloudy
A stoner
A student
A crafter
A jeweler
A artist
A snake
Jewpy
Happy
Sad
Alone
Excited
Positive
Stubborn
Free
ALIVE
Healthy
Whole
In control
Balanced
Sexy
Fun
Funny
I am me. And that should be good enough.

My little girl is sad.

I feel like a lost little girl. Confused, alone and frightened. I have this deep boiling anger welling up inside of my chest. This world makes me so sad. This country I call home I have no pride in. From mass murder of the natives to black slavery to pointless wars, what is there to be proud of? What do I stand for? Who am I? I honestly couldn't tell you. I can't figure it out myself. I meet boys and men and some I let close and some I'm scared of. Some I'm infatuated with. Some I'm in love with, (very few get that title.) some I learn to despise and some I have a lifetime of regrets.
Who am I?
How can I help this world?
How can I find the partner who I can get past the honeymoon faze with?
Should I go to college? Or go sleep in the cold rainy concrete streets and protest this fucked up world? Knowing my anger I'll probably get thrown in jail and then what good am I?
How can I put up my boundries without hurting anyone?
Can I learn to be more positive, patient, happy, mature, wise and without regret?
This past year I've had more regret that I can remember ever having in my whole life.
Am I still in love with you? I've thought this whole time I was, then hearing u could be with someone new made me possibly change my heart.
Maybe.
I'm scared to see you. I don't think I could choke anything out, I haven't a clue what to say or how to act. I don't know if i can be your friend. have u forgotten me?
And don't even get me started on my mother. Last time we spoke she said she didn't want to see me when I returned home. Why am I going back then? Why is my soul chained to someone I feel complete distance from? How would I feel if she died tomorrow?
In all honesty my life has been pretty amazing the past few months and when I look ahead with a realistic mind set my future is so bright I need shades!
Just a moment.
Moments happen. And that's ok.
I'm afraid of the unknown and I don't like it when I'm not in control of my whole world within my own vision.
Why is pms so annoying?
Haha
I wish I had some sexy, strong, kind arms to hold me while I try to sleep.
And yes I still love you. And that scares me.

They say

The best way to get over a lover is to find a new one...
Not sure if that's true.
Three weeks.

I wonder

If u think about me
Like I think about you?
Do you miss me
Like I miss u?
You're even in my dreams.

Moments like these

Make me happy. I am happy. Life is perfect just as it is. <3

Ten days of

Silence
Growing
Pain
Stillness
Sensations
Frustration
Learning
Meeting myself
Bliss
Pulling back layers
Gratitude
Wonder

And so many other things simple words can't explain.

Vipassana so excited!

The secret life of bees

This book showed up at the exact time that i needed it. It touched my heart and opened it and in a way helped me heal a bit.
 
" Drifting off to sleep, i thought about her. How nobody is perfect. How you just have to close your eyes and breathe out and let the puzzle of the human heart be what it is. "

best paragraph of the whole book. it hit hard.

Mother

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. 

~Honoré de Balzac

I shall never forget my mother, for it was she who planted and nurtured the first seeds of good within me. She opened my heart to the lasting impressions of nature; she awakened my understanding and extended my horizon and her percepts exerted an everlasting influence upon the course of my life.-Immanuel Kant  

My love for her and my hate for her are so bafflingly intertwined that I can hardly see her. I never know who is who. She is me and I am she and we're all together.-Erica Jong

The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.-Erich Fromm 

    For all the ways you've helped me grow I want to say I love you so.

- Unknown

 

My mother knows how to push all my bottons. And I have let her. There is no place for hate right now. No place for anger. No place for the past. It is what it is. It's not pretty, and it can be. It will be.  I cannot change her and i can change myself. I can love without being responsible. I can be a daughter. I cannot be a caregiver, a doctor, a husband, a lawyer, or a miracle maker. I can only be a daughter. I'm not sure how much longer I have to be that. 

She loves me. under it all i know she does. she raised me. breast fed me till the god awful age of four. she home schooled me for nine years and she raised me alone. Some of her choices in life weren't wise, but she always gave to me first. We used to be so close. it makes my heart hurt and my throat tighten up thinking about it. We were best friends. Stupid fucking cancer. It will never be the same, and it can be better. it will be better. It's not too late. she's still alive. thats what she keeps telling me. i keep forgetting. lost in my scared anger. and being sucked dry. i don't have to be. i don't have to allow her to. 

i am so excited for vipassana. soo over ready. thank the lord i got in. :) 

i will see her. and when i do. i will be ready. i'm processing right now. right now i'm not ready. Everything will be ok. It's won't be amazing, and it will be ok. it is ok. and it will be better. 

I love her. that's why my heart hurts so bad. and that's why i'm sooo depressed over it all. because i love her. Love is such a funny thing. It hurts often.

i friggin love

having short hair!

goodbye my lover

this song is appropriate. i am done. i know that. and there is a hollow place. i am going to take my time and enjoy being single. i'm not ready to replace it. and i know we're done and i'm totally ok with that. it make me happy in a way.

Kauai has taken a place in my heart that cannot be replaced. I love that Island so extremely. i never thought i could find a place that could replace the feeling i have for america. and i have. traveling and seeing old friends and meeting new ones shows me that even more. the city shows me that even more. i love cities. and nothing compares to the magical island of paradise. i just don't know if i'll find mister right there. i'm not even sure if i'm ready to meet mister right. i am so young. and so free. kinda. i have my mother. and i love her. i really do. and i wish her well and i miss her. and i'm proud of her. and hope she can learn to love herself before she leaves this world. and if she can't, i hope she can in her next world. i hope her heart can soften and our relationship can be healed. i pray for that every night. because that is what is important. i should see a therapist. i think that could help.
goodnight my lover, goodnight my friend. you could be the one, be the one for me.

Uto Ni Yalo

I have never met a people with so much love and warmth in their hearts.
Or a people so blessed and prayed for.
Their trip is blissful and extremely crazy and wild! I love it! I know i couldn't do it. one night on those boats and i'm ready to crawl into my warm bed and warm shower. They have all touched my life and are helping my heart heal.
I have been living life going with the flow and just letting things happen and it's been amazing. i made a wonderful new best friend whom i can travel and flow freely with. unfortunately he is flying back home on friday. :(
magical life.
i still have pain, and hurt. and i still love.
mahalo for this beautful life and emotions and feelings, good, bad and sad.
I am grateful.
pacificvoyagers.org

Dreams

I can't remember what they're really about I just know the feeling I have when I wake up. The dreams are getting better and the distance helps. Doesn't mean I don't think of u. Every day.

Watching you walk out of my life hasnt made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person,how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

Dreams

I keep dreaming about you. I can't get you out of my head even when I'm sleeping.

chapters turning.

Tomorrow I leave this paradise.
paradise is so magical. and has beat the shit out of me. such an extreme of both worlds.
i'm emotionally broken. my mom and my relationship is shattered. which is sad because she is my mother whom i have loved my whole life. this sickness has taken her over and created a monster. she's treated me so badly that i am walking away. she's alone and dying and i'm walking away from my own mother. whom used to be my best friend. whom i have loved with my whole heart my whole life. and yet she has always drove me nuts. but hey isn't that what mothers do? not to a point of deep depression and non survival. i dropped out of school for her. i put my whole life on hold for her. i rented a house for her (two to be exact) i got a job then got fired because of her. i put all my energy into her only to get it sucked dry.
at this moment in time i have no idea how i feel about her. i'm numb i think.
i've learned so much through this journey though that i know will help me throughout my life. I stress less over the little things. i don't give a fuck actually. i'm stronger and i've never cried so much in my whole life as i have in the past 8 or so months.
i feel like an orphan. if there is one time in my life that my father should have stepped in and changed my mind about him, now would have been the time. but no him and my mother sit on the phone and talk shit about me. i see my friends having healthy, fun relationships with their parents and it makes me sad. sad that i really haven't the slightest idea how that feels.
tomorrow i'm flying to san jose and then going to be spending the next few months in santa cruz. it's a bitter sweet. i'm excited for santa cruz and excited to see some friends and experience life and travel. and my heart is here on this island. here with my mom and here with my friends. and unfortunately here with my ex lover.
some day i will return. for now. off to see the vakas on saturday and see my fiji friends. So excited! :)

awake

I woke up this morning and something crossed my mind. I don't want to be with someone who after a few days of being apart finds a stranger and shares his bed with her. who knows where she's from. do you know her? not likely. she's a stranger. are you being careful. not likely.
you know me better than to even think for once second that i would share my body with a stranger off a boat. i respect myself and my body. it is a temple. sometimes i make mistakes, i'm growing and learning with every one.
 I'm asking of you to respect yourself as well. i was the first. and she won't be the last. many other beautiful girls are going to step into that garage. do you respect yourself enough to handle it?
I have grown a lot of respect for you. and i have lost a lot since this choice.

Crystal ball

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball 

Fools in love

I had no idea how much I love you until you where in the arms of another. I had no idea it would hurt this bad. You know our souls are tied together. I saw it that night. The night we felt our past lives flash before us.
I will heal. Time will heal us. Some day we'll be friends again. And maybe lovers. Only the Creator knows.
And maybe we're done. I just want one thing. To lay in your arms one last time and hear those words and have them be true. " I love you"
I love you. I'm also leaving you.
I wonder if I'll ever stay... I always leave. It's easier than staying. If I was staying I know I could get you back.
So in the long run I'm breaking my own heart.

soul mate

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul make is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.

for now.

i sit alone. and sad. both things i have felt a lot in the past months.
You know those points in your life that you know there is a split in the road and you have to take one direction and you know that no matter which direction you choose your life will go in totally opposite ways.
Like my choice to go to santa cruz.
Everything on this island is telling me to go there. I know i'll be happy once i do.
but i'm still sitting here alone and sad. and missing you.
you're out doing what i wanted, with someone else. someone who looks as if she could be my younger sister. someone who i could have her wardrobe and feel at home. someone who has the same sort of travel sense. i dont know her. and i dont care to know her. i just find it quite ironic.
and i'm slightly jealous.
i know i brought this upon myself. truly honestly.
and i might have caused you the same feeling i'm going through right now. i understand that. i understand that you have every right to be doing what you're doing. and i have no right to be upset or mad. i made my choices and i'm dealing with them. i may regret them. and i made them. it's been done and we cannot go back. i want to go back to those two glorious weeks where we played and made love and had hardly any cares.
it makes me sad that u never really got to know the Jenny that I really am. not this stressed out over emotional girl who feels helpless most of the time.
I'm going to find the old Jenny. the one that could do anything she ever dreamed of. the one who fully enjoyed life. the one who didn't have panic attacks.
i'm glad she has long thick hair. because i know that's how you liked mine.
i'm glad you are willing to talk to me.
i'm glad you're taking care of yourself and that you're happy.
and you know i didn't see it until today. but i think i helped you too. and i think i made an impact in your life even if you never told me i did.
words that remind me of us.
coconut oil
trampoline
back door
baby
electricity
incense
earring hunt
friendship
bliss
church
garage
medicine
love.

I have a feeling that you will have all your dreams come true and god will bless you.

goodbye

for now.

Death

tears trickle down my face as I read both of my grandmother's Obituary's. Though I wasn't extremely close to either of my grandmothers it still is jolting to loose both of them six weeks apart. My mother's mother died May 17th from being senile and having lung cancer. She was 81 years old. She died in a home in west hollywood (i believe). She was angry and confused and upset with what was happening to her. Her son(my uncle) was over seeing her until her death. I never really knew her well and can probably count the amount of times on two hands that I met her. She was a crazy jewish grandmother from New York. Her accent always made me laugh as a child. She brought me to disney land. I loved that.
Her name is Soyna Bander. Everyone called her Soni, and my cousin named her Kra Kra.
I never felt connected to that name or really her. Its sad really. I will break the cycle.
My other grandmother I have fonder feelings and memories with. I also have some regrets. last summer i lived so near her and yet I spent such little time with her.
Her name is Mariyln Madsen. She was 85 years old and she died of a lot of things. I used to actually tease her about always playing that she was going to die because she gave so many scares to her family. and eventually july 1st of this year she actually left. I was not there and it sounded beautiful. She was the perfect example of a grandma. I'm going to add her obituary here and it gives more details. I miss her.

http://www.sherman-knapp.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1206334&fh_id=10890#.TiM_CDMYe2M.emai

Death is weird. I've never had to deal with it before. I knew eventually I would. Just never thought it would hang over my head like a black cloud and take all my "mothers" away from me. I think that may be what is hanging over my mom's head when she goes into her dark space. I wish we could get along. I forget what it's like to have a mother. she's gone. i feel like i've been morning her death for quite some time. She's still alive and i can't communicate with her. it's really sad.

my heart is broken. i broke it. i just wish it could have been different. and we aren't right for each other. i know that. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that i don't miss you. i wish u would come over right now and hug me and hold me while i cry. and i know you won't. and that makes me cry harder.

god please give me a break ok? i really need it. i want something more amazing than i can even imagine to happen. something really really really good. thank you for my life in kauai. it's magical. please guide my choices and my life and help me find myself.

death isn't bad, the in between part is. death is change. and humans for some reason fight change. when i die, i hope it's fast and easy and i'll be ready for it and except it happily.

strong

http://pinterest.com/pin/2988900/

Hope
I'm hopeful
Hopeful that my life will jot continue in the path it has been traveling
I'm grateful
Grateful for the beautiful beings that have blessed my life
Grateful for this beautiful world I live in
I'm grateful for emotions and sensations
Thoughtful
I'm learning to be thoughtful
What if I just threw something important away
Who's says I threw it away anyways? I could have just put it aside until I'm ready for it
Please don't hate me. I love you and cannot bring myself to enjoy that love
How many soul mates do you think a Hunan being has in his life times?
Loving myself I thought was easy. It's the hardest thing I'm reality
I refuse to drown myself trying to save your life
U can swim
I have No idea how I really feel about you.
Thank You Creator for sending angels in my life
Aho

Happy summer

I shaved my head
It feels amazing not positive I enjoy my reflection in the mirror.
And I'm glad I did it

a long time

Nothing seems important anymore.
Everything is a blur of confused torture.
He breaks my heart and doesn't try.
I love her and hate her in one instant.
I'm attached to her.
I've been told that death isn't as bad as we make it out to be.
Please tell me that when you're in my shoes.
Being pulled and pushed and advised and
it fucking sucks.
I'm sorry but your problems mean shit to me.
Just being honest.
I'm in my own world.
and that's where i need to be right now.
Please don't run away and forget about me.
I'm much stronger. I see that. Im also completely emotionally beat up.
So thankful for the sweats and meetings.
This is such a hard time in my life. It will only go uphill from here.
to the sky :)
I love you.

heart these falls.

Spring ness.

much time has passed. Since my life is so full and always changing on a weekly basis the idea of writing a boring step by step on what's going on in my life (which i should have been doing throughout the past months because of the dreaded question "how are you doing?" ) i am going to write about today. since i am in today and not any other time at this moment, whatever moments really are.
Right at this moment i am content with a splash of stomach tightness from consistent stress.
I have been prosessing my emotions and whole reality trying to untie that tight spot in my stomach.
music helps,
smoking helps,
coconut bliss helps
orgasms help.
prayers help in wonderful ways.
and it's always good to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
Especially on this freaking island. I can think it one second before and have it pop up instantly.
Amazing.
Ever read the book You can heal your life? By loise hays. if you haven't and you live in kauai i highly recommend reading it.
I got the boyfriend. i said here on this blog that i wanted one.
he's quite wonderful.
I also have some pretty amazing girlfriends whom i am very greatful for.
I have the emotional support I need and I am blessed.
I've been sweating a lot in the lodge and cleansing my heart with the heat and prayers.
I have chopped most of my hair. I feel much lighter and much more like my hair fits my personality these days.
one of my new favorite words is
Sassy
it's a good one in my book.
Brett Dennen soothes my soul.
i hope to see him perform some day.
I also can't stop listening to Luc and those lovingtons :)
my heart is happy while listening to them.
I think processing and not holding down emotions is important along with not blaming myself or feeling guilty. I am learning life the hard way and growing up. I am blessed for every experience.
my body is tired often. I think it's time for sleep.
Aloha.

Month of Aries

I have been finding myself much more attached to this whole astrology energy here. This island is so strong. emotions can be so intense and strong and woh.
My birthday is coming up. i've been thinking a lot about it. it's a big one for me. I don't know if i'll see another birthday with my mom in my life. This birthday coming up is to honor my mother for giving birth to me and for being in my life for 22 years as a strong support and strong woman. Along with giving unconditional love to me.
I've also been thinking about how much i've learned in the past year. and how much i've grown and how 21 was such an intense year. so much change and experiences in such a short time. a year isn't that long in the sceme of things.
for my birthday i would love
a puppy.
a moped
snorkling gear.
naot
:)
happy birthday aries!

"in a relationship"

I'm in a wonderful relationship.
I get touched,
caresed,
played with,
tossed around,
held,
thrown around,
loved,
nurtured
cared for and
i could get killed
it's exciting.
:)

p.s. my new lover is the ocean.

excuse my french.

Never in my life did I ever really think that I would say this.

"I wish I had a boyfriend"

Yea  I've said those words outloud before in the past, and I never really ment them. I always knew if I really wanted one it wouldn't be that hard.

If everything was fine with me, and I met a guy who's mother was dying. I would run the other directed. Fast. I would move states most likely.

fuck being single right now.

Guess what. I'm for sure not fucking getting a boyfriend now. I wouldn't even want to be with anyone crazy enough to want me.  I would be like "are you fucking insain? My mom is dying of cancer. who wants that shit? "

I know I wouldn't.

speachless.

I go through waves. strong, tough, grough and intence waves.
I've never felt so dead. which is not something i should be feeling while taking care of my potentially dieing mother.
I need a mother to take care of me.
or at least a mother to take care of my mother so i can get on my own two legs.
this past year has been so
crazy,
adventures
wild
unfamilier
unsettling
and not at all grouding.
i need ground so bad.

and now i'm turning the theme around. going to try and stay positive.
this Island is so beautiful. and magical and warm.
Everyone is connected in a deeper more meaningful way.
i even love the rain. the warm sweet drops that tickle my skin and leave me damp and dewy.
i love the ocean so fast and strong and powerful. wanting to swallow me up with this whole island. working away and chipping at the island's surface.
the deep dark clean green mountains that lay between the silver shimmer of clouds.
the birds churping and the fresh ripe fruit sitting on the trees. oranges and papayas all juicy and ready to be eaten.
I love all the coconut trees swaying in the wind temping me with their sweet juice.
(i hate the traffic, a huge problem)

i need to build up my spiritial side. seriously asap.

my insides feel like a twisted rubberband ready to snap. and that possible snapping feeling could mean something horrible. and could mean something profound. i won't know until it happens right.

no amount of comfort, hugs, smiles, massage or good wishes is going to make the problem go away.
and i am so greatful that i'm getting those for free.

with all my thanks to my friends for supporting me the best they can through this tough time. you all have no idea what i'm going through and i'll never expect you to. thank you for being by my side in your own enique ways.
<3

taking care.

life is always changing, always transforming, always morphing.
some of us fight bitterly change and some of us throw ourselves at the idea of change.
I usually do everything I can to bring about change in my life. always moving, throwing myself at the world. Always impatient with everything around me. wanting things to go faster and faster.
and some people I have met try to choke out change.scraping their fingernails along with being pulled into the situation.
It's so funny, because it happens. no matter what. our emotions always are morphing moment by moment. and nothing is solid. nothing is ever going to be the same.
Depression has killed those whom keep it with them. those not strong enough to push it away. and realize it's only temporary. everything is.
age
love
emotions
possesions
creative thought
friendships
lovers
cells
matter
dirt
air
water
always there, yet always shifting.
i'm stll alive. i keep telling everyone.
i'm in the middle of a hard place and a rock.
and this is a lesson. i'm just trying to find the true meaning of it.
what i got from my journey this weekend is
I really do need to take care of myself before anyone else.
please universe give me the strength i need for this path.
mahalo

I wish i could

Go to a vipassana course. ten days of silence would change my world.

the end of the rope.

I'm done. I don't have anything else left. I've asked. I've pleaded. and I've never felt so alone.
Everything bad is happening, and everything good is just out of reach. We're asking for finacial help, but I feel like we need more. I seriously just wish some angel would pop out of no where and say " i'll help you, come with your mom and live in my house for free, I'll take your mom to the doctors and help advise her, and help her figure out what's best for her. Take your time and get a job, have your life and enjoy it."
I'm so depressed. I fucked my body up at the beach the other day. I couldn't move for days. I'm bruised from my ribs to my toes on my left side. I can't hike, or go to the beach or do anything. I've never felt so unattractive in my life. I feel so unhealthy, and fat and stressed and my skin is fucked. how can I be an esthetician when I break out everywhere? I just want to scrape my face off and put another one on.
I can't fucking enjoy this island. I feel pathetic. I'm depressed. and I have every reasons to be.
fuck. fuck fuck.
what do i do?

i got angry

I danced my socks off
and was still angry.
i'm angry.
at life right now.
and depressed.
and on top of it all made a fool of myself in front of a cute guy today.
biffed it bad in the ocean. i'm pretty bruised and cut up. hard to walk.
don't want to work. i wanna go to kalalau for a month alone and meditate every day and not think of one thing in the world. i want to pick my food and eat what is there. and fish. and become a mermaid.
life sucks.
in tropical paradise.
right now.
not for always.

the end of a new beginning.

Today I quite massage school.
Today i feel a mix of emotions.
Not regret. I suppose relief and sadness.
I have no idea how I could get around it. I am growing up.
I have a lot on my plate. I want to stay in school and I know I made the best choice for what's going on.
And I get to live on this Island :-)
God please help heal my mom.
thank you
<3

sisters.

i miss my madeleine. i need a hug girl. :( it's been too long!
in my unsleep mode i was looking through my old facebook pictures. and i can't believe how much i've changed in the past few years. and how now when i look back i think "wow i look soo young, i was so young" but i know in a few years i'll think back to now and think the same thing. and in ten years again and then in twenty years the same thing.
i hope we don't loose contact. even though there is always distance between us, lets make sure we stay sisters for lifetime i'm holding you to that 50 yr old cruise girl.
<3

i wish

my biggest problem was weather or not some guy was in love with me. now when friends tell me their relationship problems i want to laugh in their face and say, ha. you have no idea what real problems are like.

i'm dropping out of massage school. I have all my life to get a six month education. but i may not have much time left to be a daughter. that makes my eyes tear up and my throat tighten just typing that. i have been telling people on this island that, but more matter of fact, not really with any emotion.
i do believe that she can heal though. but we are soo freaking poor. i'm seriously sick of being poor. i'd love sometime to know what it feels like to not have to worry about how i'm going to pay my bills.

i need help. but i really don't know who to ask. i'm only one person. one girl. i'm such a girl still.
someone in class today said "i've realized the more i learn about science the less i know" i feel that about life. the more i know the less i know and the younger i am.
i'm going to try and take care of myself. i want to find a good kunadlini class to take and maybe take a hula class. i am in Kauai so i might as well take advantage of it.

i keep forgetting it's winter. i'm so glad im in the warm land. i have no idea if i would be surviving right now if i wasn't. thank god for 80 degree days. we deserve them.

stuck

whenever life hits me hard i freeze.
i can't do anything
i can't become productive.
i just want to run away. i like running away. it's easier.
which is weird, i'm a fighter i think.
i'm not sure what i really am. actually. i don't paint. i don't take photographs, i don't dance, i don't sing or play a guitar. i'm not a writer or that book smart. i'm not into running, or skiing, or swimming or biking. i dont' exercise enough. every time i find something that i do enjoy i never get around to doing anything about it.
i went to school over a year ago and haven't worked in the job that i got educated in. i don't think i'm good enough to get a job for some reason.
i haven't even looked, because i can't write an resume.
i sleep all day and do nothing all night.
and then i tell ppl to do something with their lives.
ha.
what am i good for?
i'm a hear breaker. i can't keep a guy around for more than a few months.
and my health is always holding me down.
or i'm letting it. i kinda rely on my health problems. use them as a crutch.
and i always say, if this wasn't happening i could do something. or i'll work out tomorrow.
ugh. stuck stuck stuck.

ok guys im getting real.

I have no idea who reads this blog. if anyone even does. but if you do. thanks.
Life is crazy shitty right now. I know I know. you think im living the life because i'm in Kauai and it's 80 degrees all day. and i can eat fresh fruit and go to the beach and such. which is amazing, don't get me wrong.
but my home world is crashing down pretty fast.
I have dug myself a huge whole and i can't climb out alone. 
My mom is sick. like seriously has some health issues. real ones. she came here to heal two weeks ago and everything has been going wrong for us.
I'm in school, massage school to be exact. i also have some things in my body that i'm working on. which is making it very difficult for me to give massage because of physical pain.
which also makes it hard to work.
school and work, probably impossible.
this island sucks the cash right out of you, fast.
a saying i've heard about Israel is, "if you want to become a millionaire in Israel, go there with ten million."
i'd say it's the same here.
along with that, i've had nothing but roommate drama and trying to find a place to live is nearly impossible. many folks are homeless because a lot of the landlords on this island are pretty hard to deal with.
i have debts up to my ears, along with school, rent, car insurance. the works. basically can't pay my bills.
my mom is way to ill to work and we really just need a home.
and with my health stuff i have no energy and need to sleep all day . and we both don't have health insurance because we live in a country in which they don't take care of their people.
i am a loving daughter and want to be a support for my mom while she's going through this really rough time in her life. but i'm not much help in my condition. i'm feeling like i may have to drop out of school because of finances and health reasons. which sucks.
but guess what? i'm only 21. i have years to go to school, but i may not have years to be a good loving daughter. and i may. i really don't know. but for right now. i don't know what i'm going to do. we don't have anywhere to go. we don't have a home. and don't have that much money.
so if you have any ideas. any way of helping. or want to know more about my situation.
please contact me. 208-290-6640 or heartsong_07@hotmail.com
of the people who know me well. you know i'm usually pretty tough and independent. but I'm putting my pride to the side for a while and expressing that i really really need help right. in any way you can think of.
thank you. please find it in your heart somewhere that we're not doing well and have no direction to go. 

blank

I talked to this guy the other day. And he told me that living on Kauai was like living on a crystal. I just kinda shook my head and agreed smiling. didn't really think about it much. until later.
wow. that's a broad statement.
and a powerful one.
crystals hold energy. lots of it. they take energy and give energy.
this island does that. it takes so much, but then something wonderful happens that makes you forget it and gives back so much. it's a moment to moment event that I never know how long each will last.
it is for sure a roller coaster of emotions.
i never thought life would be this hard.

be here now.

i seriously have a problem.
this problem i am starting to find out isnt just mine though. other people in this world do have it.
my problem is. i never can be happy anywhere.
i've been here two months and now i'm trying to figure out where to go next.
i love it here. don't get me wrong. it's just spendy. and i have debt. and that debt feels like a ball and chain around my ankle holding me down. i don't want debt anymore.
how about australia?

writers block

in my head i always have these amazing things to write on my blog and then when i actually log on and get here i forget all about what i was going to say.
unfortunately it is happening right now. 

"school"

So my school, if i'd dare to call it that is nothing like your typical educational schooling.
Every morning consists of half an hour of meditation fallowed by some sort of awareness practice.
Awareness usually consists of  staring into each others eyes and talking about deep emotional things.
Then we do some sort of bodywork practice or learn about the bones and muscles.
Then lunch. Sitting in the sunshine. hanging out with classmates.
Then the afternoon consists of exchanging massage.
Life sounds soo hunky dory right?
Gosh I wish.
:-)
But I am grateful for school.
It's wonderful.

life is.

busy
crazy
stressful
overwhelming
beautiful
studying
weird
warm
yummy
busy
busy
busy!

pacific center for bodywork and awareness.

Is beautiful.
Wow this school is magical actually. and i've only been there for three days. I know it's going to get better each week.
We are learning how to be in the present. how to understand our bodies and what they are doing and telling us so we can be conscious and present with the client during a massage.
The school is wonderful, and i'm soo blessed to be going to it. but i also think it's not for everyone. it's not your generic massage program. The student must be very open and willing to learn and explore emotions along with learning how to give a good massage. It definitely teaches a person to think out of the box. so far i love it!
We start out by mediating for a half hour in the morning. i love that part.
It's really hard for me sometimes to write down an experience in words. I feel like this program is something that no one will understand truly. you'll just have to be there.

My mother is arriving on tuesday. i'm really excited to see her.

I love the rain here. i've always thought i hated rain. but no in fact i enjoy it, but only when it is warm rain.
This island is so magical. everyone here is connected in some deeper level and i'm soo blessed to be here, and smart. :) I'm glad i made the decision to leave everything behind and create a new life in paradise.

the first page is quite refreshing.

Class was
Brilliant
Enspiring
Refreshing
New
Wonderful
Beautiful.
A whole new outlook on life.
I met some beautiful people inside and out.
I feel so blessed to be here.
Every person on this island inspires me and is welcoming, warm, friendly and open.
it's a wonderful home.
what other place in the US do people hug you when they meet you and kiss you on the cheek?
If you know of some place please tell me.
Sweet dreams world.

pages are turning.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter in my life, or it could possibly be a beginning to a new book.
I have heard so many reviews of this school i'm going to. But i am quite sure that each year is a different experience and each class is a different mixture and each student takes their own lesson out of it.
I am not sure what i am going to get from it but i am going into it with an open heart and ready for anything. I assume a family will be made after six months and a new outlook on this world.
this island is magical. every day blows my mind and ever inch is just as beautiful as the inch before it. the people are friendly and open and welcoming and sweet. all beautiful and tanned and in shape. i love it here. i'm home. if u want to see me soon you might have to take a little vacation, cause i don't plan on leaving here for quite some time.
only downfall is it is quite expensive. money seriously jumps out of your wallet quite easily. But i know i can find a good way to make a living doing what i love. there is a lot going on.

I have decided that turtles are amazing and i am in love with them.i saw my first turtle the other day while snorkeling and i was in awe. i love them they are amazing creatures. :-)

I'm not really in the mood for writing. happy week.

Blessed.

So today i gratefully found a place to live! the house is wonderful. full of lively fun people and children. i have my own large room with bamboo floors, fully furnished, my own bathroom and bedroom entrance, along with a balcony. :-) i'm soo happy. all for only $400 a month! wow i couldn't ask for anything better! soo blessed!

the high life

today. i saw the island of Kauai in a different perspective today. A wonderful, beautiful amazing perspective.( not that the island wasn't all of those before.) I got the opportunity to go out on a private plane tour of the island. a friend of mine is a pilot and he got me on this plane last minute! it as an hour trip overlooking the whole island. i was speechless the whole time. i felt as though it wasn't real. i had to keep pinching myself to make sure that it was real and i wasn't dreaming. this island is magical. i'm so blessed to be here. also freaking smart! :-) a wonderful new home.
they always say that home is where the heart is. i guess i need to focus on that when i'm being impatient on the whole finding a place to reside thing. i am home, i just dont have the comforts of a bed and space of my own. it will happen i just have to believe it. and be patient.
Patient Jenny!
but school starts monday! i want a home by then! arrrrgHhhhhhhh

 the house i'm staying in from the air. such a beautiful stop. i'm so blessed.

 the little plane i got to go on!

 beautiful water falls around the whole island.

 part of the na pali coast.

The year of the metal rabbit.

Life is interesting, hard, frustrating, exciting, new wonderful and always goes on. this is a new year. new beginnings. new start. new start for me. I only wish i could be in my new home, but patience is key in this new year. learning to be patient. not so stubborn, and working on myself.
2010 was a year of confusion, exhaustion, trying new things and learning everything the hard way.
I'm ready for a home. I'm ready to stay in one place for a while. to have a garden. to settle down for a bit. not forever, but for a bit. i need it. i'm physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally exhausted.
I have no idea how many different floors and couches and beds and mats i have slept on in the past year. i could never figure it out if my life depended on it.
i'm ready to sleep in the same spot every night.
i need to learn to live in the moment. i'm always thinking in the future. it's not a good habit.
i cannot wait for school to start! 10 more days!
I want a home.
and a job.
i'm want to be more "normal"
done being a nomad.
This is what i read about aries in the year of the metal rabbit
"For Aries, the year 2011 of the white metal rabbit will not be boring or useless. On the contrary, Aries would achieve positive results within a short time, if they will direct all efforts in those areas that at this stage are important parts of their earthly existence with determination. They need to tell themselves that the time of confusion and disorder is behind and then their life in the new 2011 will immediately begin to change for the better."
that sounds hopeful.
Kauai is gorgeous. wonderful. i love it. i do not want to be any place else. besides this warm, breezy, coconut filled island.
i'm excited to meet my new family. my massage school family. :-)
aloha, goodnight and happy new year!