Death

tears trickle down my face as I read both of my grandmother's Obituary's. Though I wasn't extremely close to either of my grandmothers it still is jolting to loose both of them six weeks apart. My mother's mother died May 17th from being senile and having lung cancer. She was 81 years old. She died in a home in west hollywood (i believe). She was angry and confused and upset with what was happening to her. Her son(my uncle) was over seeing her until her death. I never really knew her well and can probably count the amount of times on two hands that I met her. She was a crazy jewish grandmother from New York. Her accent always made me laugh as a child. She brought me to disney land. I loved that.
Her name is Soyna Bander. Everyone called her Soni, and my cousin named her Kra Kra.
I never felt connected to that name or really her. Its sad really. I will break the cycle.
My other grandmother I have fonder feelings and memories with. I also have some regrets. last summer i lived so near her and yet I spent such little time with her.
Her name is Mariyln Madsen. She was 85 years old and she died of a lot of things. I used to actually tease her about always playing that she was going to die because she gave so many scares to her family. and eventually july 1st of this year she actually left. I was not there and it sounded beautiful. She was the perfect example of a grandma. I'm going to add her obituary here and it gives more details. I miss her.

http://www.sherman-knapp.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1206334&fh_id=10890#.TiM_CDMYe2M.emai

Death is weird. I've never had to deal with it before. I knew eventually I would. Just never thought it would hang over my head like a black cloud and take all my "mothers" away from me. I think that may be what is hanging over my mom's head when she goes into her dark space. I wish we could get along. I forget what it's like to have a mother. she's gone. i feel like i've been morning her death for quite some time. She's still alive and i can't communicate with her. it's really sad.

my heart is broken. i broke it. i just wish it could have been different. and we aren't right for each other. i know that. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that i don't miss you. i wish u would come over right now and hug me and hold me while i cry. and i know you won't. and that makes me cry harder.

god please give me a break ok? i really need it. i want something more amazing than i can even imagine to happen. something really really really good. thank you for my life in kauai. it's magical. please guide my choices and my life and help me find myself.

death isn't bad, the in between part is. death is change. and humans for some reason fight change. when i die, i hope it's fast and easy and i'll be ready for it and except it happily.