taking care.

life is always changing, always transforming, always morphing.
some of us fight bitterly change and some of us throw ourselves at the idea of change.
I usually do everything I can to bring about change in my life. always moving, throwing myself at the world. Always impatient with everything around me. wanting things to go faster and faster.
and some people I have met try to choke out change.scraping their fingernails along with being pulled into the situation.
It's so funny, because it happens. no matter what. our emotions always are morphing moment by moment. and nothing is solid. nothing is ever going to be the same.
Depression has killed those whom keep it with them. those not strong enough to push it away. and realize it's only temporary. everything is.
age
love
emotions
possesions
creative thought
friendships
lovers
cells
matter
dirt
air
water
always there, yet always shifting.
i'm stll alive. i keep telling everyone.
i'm in the middle of a hard place and a rock.
and this is a lesson. i'm just trying to find the true meaning of it.
what i got from my journey this weekend is
I really do need to take care of myself before anyone else.
please universe give me the strength i need for this path.
mahalo

I wish i could

Go to a vipassana course. ten days of silence would change my world.

the end of the rope.

I'm done. I don't have anything else left. I've asked. I've pleaded. and I've never felt so alone.
Everything bad is happening, and everything good is just out of reach. We're asking for finacial help, but I feel like we need more. I seriously just wish some angel would pop out of no where and say " i'll help you, come with your mom and live in my house for free, I'll take your mom to the doctors and help advise her, and help her figure out what's best for her. Take your time and get a job, have your life and enjoy it."
I'm so depressed. I fucked my body up at the beach the other day. I couldn't move for days. I'm bruised from my ribs to my toes on my left side. I can't hike, or go to the beach or do anything. I've never felt so unattractive in my life. I feel so unhealthy, and fat and stressed and my skin is fucked. how can I be an esthetician when I break out everywhere? I just want to scrape my face off and put another one on.
I can't fucking enjoy this island. I feel pathetic. I'm depressed. and I have every reasons to be.
fuck. fuck fuck.
what do i do?

i got angry

I danced my socks off
and was still angry.
i'm angry.
at life right now.
and depressed.
and on top of it all made a fool of myself in front of a cute guy today.
biffed it bad in the ocean. i'm pretty bruised and cut up. hard to walk.
don't want to work. i wanna go to kalalau for a month alone and meditate every day and not think of one thing in the world. i want to pick my food and eat what is there. and fish. and become a mermaid.
life sucks.
in tropical paradise.
right now.
not for always.

the end of a new beginning.

Today I quite massage school.
Today i feel a mix of emotions.
Not regret. I suppose relief and sadness.
I have no idea how I could get around it. I am growing up.
I have a lot on my plate. I want to stay in school and I know I made the best choice for what's going on.
And I get to live on this Island :-)
God please help heal my mom.
thank you
<3

sisters.

i miss my madeleine. i need a hug girl. :( it's been too long!
in my unsleep mode i was looking through my old facebook pictures. and i can't believe how much i've changed in the past few years. and how now when i look back i think "wow i look soo young, i was so young" but i know in a few years i'll think back to now and think the same thing. and in ten years again and then in twenty years the same thing.
i hope we don't loose contact. even though there is always distance between us, lets make sure we stay sisters for lifetime i'm holding you to that 50 yr old cruise girl.
<3

i wish

my biggest problem was weather or not some guy was in love with me. now when friends tell me their relationship problems i want to laugh in their face and say, ha. you have no idea what real problems are like.

i'm dropping out of massage school. I have all my life to get a six month education. but i may not have much time left to be a daughter. that makes my eyes tear up and my throat tighten just typing that. i have been telling people on this island that, but more matter of fact, not really with any emotion.
i do believe that she can heal though. but we are soo freaking poor. i'm seriously sick of being poor. i'd love sometime to know what it feels like to not have to worry about how i'm going to pay my bills.

i need help. but i really don't know who to ask. i'm only one person. one girl. i'm such a girl still.
someone in class today said "i've realized the more i learn about science the less i know" i feel that about life. the more i know the less i know and the younger i am.
i'm going to try and take care of myself. i want to find a good kunadlini class to take and maybe take a hula class. i am in Kauai so i might as well take advantage of it.

i keep forgetting it's winter. i'm so glad im in the warm land. i have no idea if i would be surviving right now if i wasn't. thank god for 80 degree days. we deserve them.

stuck

whenever life hits me hard i freeze.
i can't do anything
i can't become productive.
i just want to run away. i like running away. it's easier.
which is weird, i'm a fighter i think.
i'm not sure what i really am. actually. i don't paint. i don't take photographs, i don't dance, i don't sing or play a guitar. i'm not a writer or that book smart. i'm not into running, or skiing, or swimming or biking. i dont' exercise enough. every time i find something that i do enjoy i never get around to doing anything about it.
i went to school over a year ago and haven't worked in the job that i got educated in. i don't think i'm good enough to get a job for some reason.
i haven't even looked, because i can't write an resume.
i sleep all day and do nothing all night.
and then i tell ppl to do something with their lives.
ha.
what am i good for?
i'm a hear breaker. i can't keep a guy around for more than a few months.
and my health is always holding me down.
or i'm letting it. i kinda rely on my health problems. use them as a crutch.
and i always say, if this wasn't happening i could do something. or i'll work out tomorrow.
ugh. stuck stuck stuck.

ok guys im getting real.

I have no idea who reads this blog. if anyone even does. but if you do. thanks.
Life is crazy shitty right now. I know I know. you think im living the life because i'm in Kauai and it's 80 degrees all day. and i can eat fresh fruit and go to the beach and such. which is amazing, don't get me wrong.
but my home world is crashing down pretty fast.
I have dug myself a huge whole and i can't climb out alone. 
My mom is sick. like seriously has some health issues. real ones. she came here to heal two weeks ago and everything has been going wrong for us.
I'm in school, massage school to be exact. i also have some things in my body that i'm working on. which is making it very difficult for me to give massage because of physical pain.
which also makes it hard to work.
school and work, probably impossible.
this island sucks the cash right out of you, fast.
a saying i've heard about Israel is, "if you want to become a millionaire in Israel, go there with ten million."
i'd say it's the same here.
along with that, i've had nothing but roommate drama and trying to find a place to live is nearly impossible. many folks are homeless because a lot of the landlords on this island are pretty hard to deal with.
i have debts up to my ears, along with school, rent, car insurance. the works. basically can't pay my bills.
my mom is way to ill to work and we really just need a home.
and with my health stuff i have no energy and need to sleep all day . and we both don't have health insurance because we live in a country in which they don't take care of their people.
i am a loving daughter and want to be a support for my mom while she's going through this really rough time in her life. but i'm not much help in my condition. i'm feeling like i may have to drop out of school because of finances and health reasons. which sucks.
but guess what? i'm only 21. i have years to go to school, but i may not have years to be a good loving daughter. and i may. i really don't know. but for right now. i don't know what i'm going to do. we don't have anywhere to go. we don't have a home. and don't have that much money.
so if you have any ideas. any way of helping. or want to know more about my situation.
please contact me. 208-290-6640 or heartsong_07@hotmail.com
of the people who know me well. you know i'm usually pretty tough and independent. but I'm putting my pride to the side for a while and expressing that i really really need help right. in any way you can think of.
thank you. please find it in your heart somewhere that we're not doing well and have no direction to go. 

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I talked to this guy the other day. And he told me that living on Kauai was like living on a crystal. I just kinda shook my head and agreed smiling. didn't really think about it much. until later.
wow. that's a broad statement.
and a powerful one.
crystals hold energy. lots of it. they take energy and give energy.
this island does that. it takes so much, but then something wonderful happens that makes you forget it and gives back so much. it's a moment to moment event that I never know how long each will last.
it is for sure a roller coaster of emotions.
i never thought life would be this hard.