Ten days of

Silence
Growing
Pain
Stillness
Sensations
Frustration
Learning
Meeting myself
Bliss
Pulling back layers
Gratitude
Wonder

And so many other things simple words can't explain.

Vipassana so excited!

The secret life of bees

This book showed up at the exact time that i needed it. It touched my heart and opened it and in a way helped me heal a bit.
 
" Drifting off to sleep, i thought about her. How nobody is perfect. How you just have to close your eyes and breathe out and let the puzzle of the human heart be what it is. "

best paragraph of the whole book. it hit hard.

Mother

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. 

~Honoré de Balzac

I shall never forget my mother, for it was she who planted and nurtured the first seeds of good within me. She opened my heart to the lasting impressions of nature; she awakened my understanding and extended my horizon and her percepts exerted an everlasting influence upon the course of my life.-Immanuel Kant  

My love for her and my hate for her are so bafflingly intertwined that I can hardly see her. I never know who is who. She is me and I am she and we're all together.-Erica Jong

The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.-Erich Fromm 

    For all the ways you've helped me grow I want to say I love you so.

- Unknown

 

My mother knows how to push all my bottons. And I have let her. There is no place for hate right now. No place for anger. No place for the past. It is what it is. It's not pretty, and it can be. It will be.  I cannot change her and i can change myself. I can love without being responsible. I can be a daughter. I cannot be a caregiver, a doctor, a husband, a lawyer, or a miracle maker. I can only be a daughter. I'm not sure how much longer I have to be that. 

She loves me. under it all i know she does. she raised me. breast fed me till the god awful age of four. she home schooled me for nine years and she raised me alone. Some of her choices in life weren't wise, but she always gave to me first. We used to be so close. it makes my heart hurt and my throat tighten up thinking about it. We were best friends. Stupid fucking cancer. It will never be the same, and it can be better. it will be better. It's not too late. she's still alive. thats what she keeps telling me. i keep forgetting. lost in my scared anger. and being sucked dry. i don't have to be. i don't have to allow her to. 

i am so excited for vipassana. soo over ready. thank the lord i got in. :) 

i will see her. and when i do. i will be ready. i'm processing right now. right now i'm not ready. Everything will be ok. It's won't be amazing, and it will be ok. it is ok. and it will be better. 

I love her. that's why my heart hurts so bad. and that's why i'm sooo depressed over it all. because i love her. Love is such a funny thing. It hurts often.