speachless.

I go through waves. strong, tough, grough and intence waves.
I've never felt so dead. which is not something i should be feeling while taking care of my potentially dieing mother.
I need a mother to take care of me.
or at least a mother to take care of my mother so i can get on my own two legs.
this past year has been so
crazy,
adventures
wild
unfamilier
unsettling
and not at all grouding.
i need ground so bad.

and now i'm turning the theme around. going to try and stay positive.
this Island is so beautiful. and magical and warm.
Everyone is connected in a deeper more meaningful way.
i even love the rain. the warm sweet drops that tickle my skin and leave me damp and dewy.
i love the ocean so fast and strong and powerful. wanting to swallow me up with this whole island. working away and chipping at the island's surface.
the deep dark clean green mountains that lay between the silver shimmer of clouds.
the birds churping and the fresh ripe fruit sitting on the trees. oranges and papayas all juicy and ready to be eaten.
I love all the coconut trees swaying in the wind temping me with their sweet juice.
(i hate the traffic, a huge problem)

i need to build up my spiritial side. seriously asap.

my insides feel like a twisted rubberband ready to snap. and that possible snapping feeling could mean something horrible. and could mean something profound. i won't know until it happens right.

no amount of comfort, hugs, smiles, massage or good wishes is going to make the problem go away.
and i am so greatful that i'm getting those for free.

with all my thanks to my friends for supporting me the best they can through this tough time. you all have no idea what i'm going through and i'll never expect you to. thank you for being by my side in your own enique ways.
<3