chapters turning.

Tomorrow I leave this paradise.
paradise is so magical. and has beat the shit out of me. such an extreme of both worlds.
i'm emotionally broken. my mom and my relationship is shattered. which is sad because she is my mother whom i have loved my whole life. this sickness has taken her over and created a monster. she's treated me so badly that i am walking away. she's alone and dying and i'm walking away from my own mother. whom used to be my best friend. whom i have loved with my whole heart my whole life. and yet she has always drove me nuts. but hey isn't that what mothers do? not to a point of deep depression and non survival. i dropped out of school for her. i put my whole life on hold for her. i rented a house for her (two to be exact) i got a job then got fired because of her. i put all my energy into her only to get it sucked dry.
at this moment in time i have no idea how i feel about her. i'm numb i think.
i've learned so much through this journey though that i know will help me throughout my life. I stress less over the little things. i don't give a fuck actually. i'm stronger and i've never cried so much in my whole life as i have in the past 8 or so months.
i feel like an orphan. if there is one time in my life that my father should have stepped in and changed my mind about him, now would have been the time. but no him and my mother sit on the phone and talk shit about me. i see my friends having healthy, fun relationships with their parents and it makes me sad. sad that i really haven't the slightest idea how that feels.
tomorrow i'm flying to san jose and then going to be spending the next few months in santa cruz. it's a bitter sweet. i'm excited for santa cruz and excited to see some friends and experience life and travel. and my heart is here on this island. here with my mom and here with my friends. and unfortunately here with my ex lover.
some day i will return. for now. off to see the vakas on saturday and see my fiji friends. So excited! :)