Fuck Cancer

I sit in her hospital room. I'm making a necklace. she's still selling jewelry. From her death bed. She has them displayed on the board that is supposed to hold cards and postures and such. she has necklaces and earrings. she sells then to her caregivers in the middle of the night when she needs to use her bedpan. Once she can't' make jewelry any more, she has me do it. She's trained me well.
She is crazy, strong. Her insanity drives her to crazy limits of strength. She is in constant, excruciating pain. and she has convinced herself in her mind that she is better off without narcotics.
She has no idea how amazing she is. No clue.
She is beautiful. and she doesn't know it. never has anyone made her feel beautiful.
She has been stuck in her mind, in the past, not able to be in the present and almost afraid of the future.
a constant battle of wanting to be here in this world and also desperately pleading to leave it.

Her room in the hospital is so "her" She has clutter in all sorts overflowing over the small tables that are provided. papers, opened envelopes with glanced over mail, never really read. There are piles of beads and random shoe boxes filled with necklaces she has so much pride in. She has a box of matzah and nori laying around along with old plates. Her bed is her nest. Her home, her perch. She is the momma bird. always worried. always concerned, always wanting to help. Her heart wide open and loving. Not able to receive love, and oh does she love.
She doesn't know that she can get anything she wants. I just wish she could have realized that she asks for things she doesn't want.
Her body is failing. She can't use it. It won't listen to her. Her physical form is failing her. It hurts me to see this.

I love that woman so deeply. So intensely. And I am mixed. I have frustrations from some of the choices she's made and at the same time those choices have created who I am today. And that is what is helping me survive. I am abundant in my life. I have so much good it's overwhelming sometimes.

and at the same time. My mom is dying.

and it hurts. really bad.