hard work and travel

It's been a lot of work to get my heart back. I have done it though. I am proud of myself.
Sitting up all night, fighting the urge to want to run away into my bed.
I have loved ceremony with all my heart. It has healed me in ways i cannot express in words. And now,  I feel as if it isn't my medicine right now.
The whole time sitting in that teepee thinking, I need to be alone right now.

I need to be alone.
and for some reason I don't want to do that here. I want to travel.
To fully be alone for some time. I want to get to know myself better.
To create myself more.

To be Jenny

I have always been Jenny, and also been Stacey's daughter.

I am still Stacey's daughter, and yet I feel my job has been retired.

I spoke out loud during this ceremony and I am going to try and recall my speech.

" Good morning family. Right now I have had my mother on my mind. During women's time I am thinking of all mothers, wow being a mom is a lot of work. I want to thank all the mothers in this room for taking on that responsibly. Thinking of my mother, I have an eagle feather tattood on my back in honer of her, next to the eagle feather the script "fly free Ema" is to be written. I feel like it is now my turn to fly free. To go out into the big world and explore. To see it and to create myself. So i would like to say goodbye and tell you all that i am blessed to be here. I am happy to be in this teepee right now. To be with my family and I am here to also say goodbye.

I also want to thank myself. I want to say thank you for all the hard work I have done sitting up inside this teepee and the emotional work I have done. So "thank you" "

I am so blessed to live in such a beautiful place and also this is the time to travel. I am young. 23 years old, i don't have any debt, any children, no boyfriend and no sick mom keeping me around. It is time. I want to travel.

I will miss Kauai so much.

disrespect.

completion.

respect

letting go

knowing, in my heart and soul I am better.

better than that.

better than him.

better than her.

and better off without him.

I was disrespected.

what they did was rude and wrong.

and i feel lost in my life at this exact moment.

i don't feel comfortable. in my own church.

he didn't do it gracefully, didn't make it comfortable. didn't try and make it right.

and she's just a bitch.

disrespect.

I'm so glad to be done. and I'm also not going to lie. i feel disrespected.

i'll get over it. time heals all wounds.

I miss...

I feel as though a spore has been covering my heart tightly.
Last weekend I ate medicine and it helped to break that spore open just a touch.
Emotions are leaking out.
They're strong.

I miss her. I miss her so much. I am trying to forget the bad and remember before the bad.
When she was my best friend, my guardian, my hero. Someone I loved with my whole heart and trusted with everything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust any one as much as I did her. And I don't know if I'll ever be loved by anyone as fiercely as she loved me.
That hurts.
She held my hand when I was young and guided me in this bumpy road we call life. I feel like she did a pretty amazing job.

I don't want to forget. I think i'm afraid of forgetting. Time does funny things to people.
It heals. Yet is healing forgetting?

When she was sick I just wanted her to be out of pain. Now that she's gone I just want her back. Her, not the cancer person she was.

I miss my mommy.

and it hurts.

Beyoncé - Run The World (Girls)

I am

one of the luckiest women to have ever existed.

Wow.

It happened again.

I fell in love with you.

again.

to love and be loved.

Why is the majority of humans so afraid to love? To be in love, to have someone in love with them? I have so many amazing, beautiful, inspiring, sexy, wonderful human beings as friends and yet more than half of them are single. And have been for quite some time.

i recently told a very close friend, whom is very beautiful, talented and our connection is strong, that i was falling love with him.

i think it scared him away.

I love, fully, intensely and strongly.
and then sometimes i don't.

I'm not attached to love, I just love. with my heart. fully.

rejection was something i wasn't used to in my past. and i've been rejected now. It hurt at first, and then I came to conclusion that it was the best possible thing, that human being wasn't right for me.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to love.

It's free
fun, beautiful, exciting, positive, playful, fulfilling and inspiring.

maybe it's more the commitment that humans are afraid of. Committing to one human being and calling it love.

a quote that I read recently that made me laugh.

“We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into
mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 


Dr Seuss 


I also suppose it's called patience, waiting to find the right person. The mutual weird person who completes me. 

i am thankful

that i live in such a beautiful place and have such beautiful friends and family around me.

what a beautiful day.

<3

Looking for Love - Anuhea

Perfection is Bliss

Feeling funny, eyes making designs with the stars.
Moon beams dripping down the blue blue ocean sky.
Crop circles ingulfing the supermoon,
palm trees flashing tinsel green.
the ukulele strumming and my ring running and spinning around my body.
laughing.
jaw hurts.
tears of joy and pain.

soft silky sand slipping softly
through my toes.

buddha. thank you

mommy. i love you.

hold my hand. please don't let go.

mermaids exist. didn't you know?

p.s.
i am so in love with you.

i wish you would kiss me.

Anuhea Come Over Love (Official Video)

direction.

these past few weeks have been a blur. a horrible, painful, torturing blur. 

and now. i am. 

and in all honestly i have no idea how to be. 

what to do with my life. 

what direction to turn. 

i want to travel. 

i can go almost anywhere. 

and in all honesty i have no idea where to go. 

i want to escape. 

to leave the "how are you?"s 

and the

"oh i heard, i'm so sorry"

If you haven't been involved in the process. don't say anything to my face. don't ask. 

it's annoying. 

i have really enjoyed all the messages, texts and attempts at phone calls. ( sorry i don't tend to pick up) 

i get the same questions. 

what am i supposed to say?

my mom just died. and i watched it happen. 

so yea "i'm great!" 

fuck that. 

i want to run off to some country and have a beautiful love affair with some amazing man who is sweet, passionate, kind, sexy, fun, wealthy, and has an accent. and is total into me of course. 

i want to run away. 

maybe i'm not running away from something

maybe i'm wanting to run to something. 

i'm just not sure what that is quite yet. 

Creator please guide my journey in the right direction. 

Mahalo 

To My Mother

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

and i love you. 

unconditional love

is.
sitting next to my dying mother while her body slowly falls apart and rots in front of me.

i am.

i've been desiring to post something the past few days and haven't actually sat down and done it.
2 am
garden isle health care and rehabilitation center.
lihue kauai
location. pad on the floor.
current emotion.
not sure

my mom is breathing above me. her breaths long and solid. she is here. she is alive at this moment.

next to me lies my best friend and her man friend.

above me lies my mother.
she is dying.
she is breathing
and yet her body is rotting, unable to move, unable to talk. barely breathing.
She can't even swallow water.

my body hurts.
my head hurts and my muscles and i feel heavy. i sleep a lot. i am present a lot.
i care. i love. i am strong. i am amazing.

love does things that without it would be impossible.

i am loved, i am amazing and i am here.

i am grateful.
and i love.

The alphabet

I am

alive

american

bright

beautiful

brilliant

crazy

crafty

creative

dynamic

devine

delicious 

delightful

elegant

fabulous

flirty

fun

funny 

free

gorgeous

happy

interesting

jewpy

kind

kinky

loud

laughing

mindful

nice

openminded 

opinionated

optimistic 

pretty

quirky

radient

silly 

spiritual 

thankful

understanding

vivacious 

victorious 

vibrant

wild

wonderful

woman

weird

xtreme

young

zesty

Tony Robbins. emotions felt in the average week.

All the Positive emotions i feel in the average week.

Happiness
Bliss
excitement
energy
proud
love
sympathy

Negative emotions i feel in the average week.
sadness
frustration
judgement
anger
guilt

Fuck Cancer

I sit in her hospital room. I'm making a necklace. she's still selling jewelry. From her death bed. She has them displayed on the board that is supposed to hold cards and postures and such. she has necklaces and earrings. she sells then to her caregivers in the middle of the night when she needs to use her bedpan. Once she can't' make jewelry any more, she has me do it. She's trained me well.
She is crazy, strong. Her insanity drives her to crazy limits of strength. She is in constant, excruciating pain. and she has convinced herself in her mind that she is better off without narcotics.
She has no idea how amazing she is. No clue.
She is beautiful. and she doesn't know it. never has anyone made her feel beautiful.
She has been stuck in her mind, in the past, not able to be in the present and almost afraid of the future.
a constant battle of wanting to be here in this world and also desperately pleading to leave it.

Her room in the hospital is so "her" She has clutter in all sorts overflowing over the small tables that are provided. papers, opened envelopes with glanced over mail, never really read. There are piles of beads and random shoe boxes filled with necklaces she has so much pride in. She has a box of matzah and nori laying around along with old plates. Her bed is her nest. Her home, her perch. She is the momma bird. always worried. always concerned, always wanting to help. Her heart wide open and loving. Not able to receive love, and oh does she love.
She doesn't know that she can get anything she wants. I just wish she could have realized that she asks for things she doesn't want.
Her body is failing. She can't use it. It won't listen to her. Her physical form is failing her. It hurts me to see this.

I love that woman so deeply. So intensely. And I am mixed. I have frustrations from some of the choices she's made and at the same time those choices have created who I am today. And that is what is helping me survive. I am abundant in my life. I have so much good it's overwhelming sometimes.

and at the same time. My mom is dying.

and it hurts. really bad.

I am "pretty amazing" because...

     I Jenny Rose Hearsong am pretty amazing because I have an awesome name. I have a big heart and no matter how hard life is I always find the good and see the beauty. I love life and life loves me! 

     I get involved in the community helping in any ways that I can. I volunteer for a program on my Island called “Condom Sense” where I am a young adult representative for an anti STDs and untended pregnancy program. I record radio PSAs explaining why being condom smart is necessary. I help put on events and do pier counseling.  

     I pretty amazing because I’ve been my mother’s part time and full time caregiver over the past year, whom has stage four breast cancer and could possibly be loosing the battle very soon. I stay positive and as happy as I can through the whole experience. I am an amazing daughter. I am pretty amazing because I shaved all my long thick beautiful hair off in honer of her.

     I am a seamstress and work for a local Kauai made Bikini company, Kaikini.

     I design and have my own handmade jewelry business. 

     I am a makeup artist and have worked in magazine shoots and bikini modeling shoots. I also do bridal hair and makeup.

    I am pretty amazing because I am going to go to college this fall to continue my education. 

My Story

I have a story. a long drawn out story. My life. My world. My Story. Who i am and why i am the way that i am. Why we do what we do.
It's too long for the blog.
It's too long to listen to over a cup of coffee, or even a dinner date.
My story is unique.
Don't they always say that? Every human you meet will tell you their story is unique.
That's ok, we all have stories. They're all unique.
My Story is my dream.
and my dream will become reality very shortly.
I want to help share other's stories. I want us to come together and understand each other so we can support each other instead of putting judgments on the different ways us humans choose to live our lives.
I want to know what the core root power of Beauty. What is Beauty? what does it mean? what does it look like? what does it taste like? how does it make you feel? what is your secret beauty ingredient or specialty? How do you feel the concept of beauty is today, as apposed to yesteryear?
So many questions. So many minds, and so many different options.
I am beauty.
I see beauty
I feel beauty
I am blessed to have it living inside of me, on my skin, on my orah and in my living environment. In my friends, colleges, strangers and in every breath i take. Beauty surrounds me every day. i am blessed.

Beauty is what you make it. Everyone is beautiful. We just have to all find it within ourselves!

Beauty Diaries. Here we come!