hard work and travel

It's been a lot of work to get my heart back. I have done it though. I am proud of myself.
Sitting up all night, fighting the urge to want to run away into my bed.
I have loved ceremony with all my heart. It has healed me in ways i cannot express in words. And now,  I feel as if it isn't my medicine right now.
The whole time sitting in that teepee thinking, I need to be alone right now.

I need to be alone.
and for some reason I don't want to do that here. I want to travel.
To fully be alone for some time. I want to get to know myself better.
To create myself more.

To be Jenny

I have always been Jenny, and also been Stacey's daughter.

I am still Stacey's daughter, and yet I feel my job has been retired.

I spoke out loud during this ceremony and I am going to try and recall my speech.

" Good morning family. Right now I have had my mother on my mind. During women's time I am thinking of all mothers, wow being a mom is a lot of work. I want to thank all the mothers in this room for taking on that responsibly. Thinking of my mother, I have an eagle feather tattood on my back in honer of her, next to the eagle feather the script "fly free Ema" is to be written. I feel like it is now my turn to fly free. To go out into the big world and explore. To see it and to create myself. So i would like to say goodbye and tell you all that i am blessed to be here. I am happy to be in this teepee right now. To be with my family and I am here to also say goodbye.

I also want to thank myself. I want to say thank you for all the hard work I have done sitting up inside this teepee and the emotional work I have done. So "thank you" "

I am so blessed to live in such a beautiful place and also this is the time to travel. I am young. 23 years old, i don't have any debt, any children, no boyfriend and no sick mom keeping me around. It is time. I want to travel.

I will miss Kauai so much.

disrespect.

completion.

respect

letting go

knowing, in my heart and soul I am better.

better than that.

better than him.

better than her.

and better off without him.

I was disrespected.

what they did was rude and wrong.

and i feel lost in my life at this exact moment.

i don't feel comfortable. in my own church.

he didn't do it gracefully, didn't make it comfortable. didn't try and make it right.

and she's just a bitch.

disrespect.

I'm so glad to be done. and I'm also not going to lie. i feel disrespected.

i'll get over it. time heals all wounds.

I miss...

I feel as though a spore has been covering my heart tightly.
Last weekend I ate medicine and it helped to break that spore open just a touch.
Emotions are leaking out.
They're strong.

I miss her. I miss her so much. I am trying to forget the bad and remember before the bad.
When she was my best friend, my guardian, my hero. Someone I loved with my whole heart and trusted with everything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust any one as much as I did her. And I don't know if I'll ever be loved by anyone as fiercely as she loved me.
That hurts.
She held my hand when I was young and guided me in this bumpy road we call life. I feel like she did a pretty amazing job.

I don't want to forget. I think i'm afraid of forgetting. Time does funny things to people.
It heals. Yet is healing forgetting?

When she was sick I just wanted her to be out of pain. Now that she's gone I just want her back. Her, not the cancer person she was.

I miss my mommy.

and it hurts.

Beyoncé - Run The World (Girls)

I am

one of the luckiest women to have ever existed.

Wow.

It happened again.

I fell in love with you.

again.

to love and be loved.

Why is the majority of humans so afraid to love? To be in love, to have someone in love with them? I have so many amazing, beautiful, inspiring, sexy, wonderful human beings as friends and yet more than half of them are single. And have been for quite some time.

i recently told a very close friend, whom is very beautiful, talented and our connection is strong, that i was falling love with him.

i think it scared him away.

I love, fully, intensely and strongly.
and then sometimes i don't.

I'm not attached to love, I just love. with my heart. fully.

rejection was something i wasn't used to in my past. and i've been rejected now. It hurt at first, and then I came to conclusion that it was the best possible thing, that human being wasn't right for me.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to love.

It's free
fun, beautiful, exciting, positive, playful, fulfilling and inspiring.

maybe it's more the commitment that humans are afraid of. Committing to one human being and calling it love.

a quote that I read recently that made me laugh.

“We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into
mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 


Dr Seuss 


I also suppose it's called patience, waiting to find the right person. The mutual weird person who completes me.