unconditional love

is.
sitting next to my dying mother while her body slowly falls apart and rots in front of me.

i am.

i've been desiring to post something the past few days and haven't actually sat down and done it.
2 am
garden isle health care and rehabilitation center.
lihue kauai
location. pad on the floor.
current emotion.
not sure

my mom is breathing above me. her breaths long and solid. she is here. she is alive at this moment.

next to me lies my best friend and her man friend.

above me lies my mother.
she is dying.
she is breathing
and yet her body is rotting, unable to move, unable to talk. barely breathing.
She can't even swallow water.

my body hurts.
my head hurts and my muscles and i feel heavy. i sleep a lot. i am present a lot.
i care. i love. i am strong. i am amazing.

love does things that without it would be impossible.

i am loved, i am amazing and i am here.

i am grateful.
and i love.

The alphabet

I am

alive

american

bright

beautiful

brilliant

crazy

crafty

creative

dynamic

devine

delicious 

delightful

elegant

fabulous

flirty

fun

funny 

free

gorgeous

happy

interesting

jewpy

kind

kinky

loud

laughing

mindful

nice

openminded 

opinionated

optimistic 

pretty

quirky

radient

silly 

spiritual 

thankful

understanding

vivacious 

victorious 

vibrant

wild

wonderful

woman

weird

xtreme

young

zesty

Tony Robbins. emotions felt in the average week.

All the Positive emotions i feel in the average week.

Happiness
Bliss
excitement
energy
proud
love
sympathy

Negative emotions i feel in the average week.
sadness
frustration
judgement
anger
guilt

Fuck Cancer

I sit in her hospital room. I'm making a necklace. she's still selling jewelry. From her death bed. She has them displayed on the board that is supposed to hold cards and postures and such. she has necklaces and earrings. she sells then to her caregivers in the middle of the night when she needs to use her bedpan. Once she can't' make jewelry any more, she has me do it. She's trained me well.
She is crazy, strong. Her insanity drives her to crazy limits of strength. She is in constant, excruciating pain. and she has convinced herself in her mind that she is better off without narcotics.
She has no idea how amazing she is. No clue.
She is beautiful. and she doesn't know it. never has anyone made her feel beautiful.
She has been stuck in her mind, in the past, not able to be in the present and almost afraid of the future.
a constant battle of wanting to be here in this world and also desperately pleading to leave it.

Her room in the hospital is so "her" She has clutter in all sorts overflowing over the small tables that are provided. papers, opened envelopes with glanced over mail, never really read. There are piles of beads and random shoe boxes filled with necklaces she has so much pride in. She has a box of matzah and nori laying around along with old plates. Her bed is her nest. Her home, her perch. She is the momma bird. always worried. always concerned, always wanting to help. Her heart wide open and loving. Not able to receive love, and oh does she love.
She doesn't know that she can get anything she wants. I just wish she could have realized that she asks for things she doesn't want.
Her body is failing. She can't use it. It won't listen to her. Her physical form is failing her. It hurts me to see this.

I love that woman so deeply. So intensely. And I am mixed. I have frustrations from some of the choices she's made and at the same time those choices have created who I am today. And that is what is helping me survive. I am abundant in my life. I have so much good it's overwhelming sometimes.

and at the same time. My mom is dying.

and it hurts. really bad.

I am "pretty amazing" because...

     I Jenny Rose Hearsong am pretty amazing because I have an awesome name. I have a big heart and no matter how hard life is I always find the good and see the beauty. I love life and life loves me! 

     I get involved in the community helping in any ways that I can. I volunteer for a program on my Island called “Condom Sense” where I am a young adult representative for an anti STDs and untended pregnancy program. I record radio PSAs explaining why being condom smart is necessary. I help put on events and do pier counseling.  

     I pretty amazing because I’ve been my mother’s part time and full time caregiver over the past year, whom has stage four breast cancer and could possibly be loosing the battle very soon. I stay positive and as happy as I can through the whole experience. I am an amazing daughter. I am pretty amazing because I shaved all my long thick beautiful hair off in honer of her.

     I am a seamstress and work for a local Kauai made Bikini company, Kaikini.

     I design and have my own handmade jewelry business. 

     I am a makeup artist and have worked in magazine shoots and bikini modeling shoots. I also do bridal hair and makeup.

    I am pretty amazing because I am going to go to college this fall to continue my education.