i friggin love

having short hair!

goodbye my lover

this song is appropriate. i am done. i know that. and there is a hollow place. i am going to take my time and enjoy being single. i'm not ready to replace it. and i know we're done and i'm totally ok with that. it make me happy in a way.

Kauai has taken a place in my heart that cannot be replaced. I love that Island so extremely. i never thought i could find a place that could replace the feeling i have for america. and i have. traveling and seeing old friends and meeting new ones shows me that even more. the city shows me that even more. i love cities. and nothing compares to the magical island of paradise. i just don't know if i'll find mister right there. i'm not even sure if i'm ready to meet mister right. i am so young. and so free. kinda. i have my mother. and i love her. i really do. and i wish her well and i miss her. and i'm proud of her. and hope she can learn to love herself before she leaves this world. and if she can't, i hope she can in her next world. i hope her heart can soften and our relationship can be healed. i pray for that every night. because that is what is important. i should see a therapist. i think that could help.
goodnight my lover, goodnight my friend. you could be the one, be the one for me.

Uto Ni Yalo

I have never met a people with so much love and warmth in their hearts.
Or a people so blessed and prayed for.
Their trip is blissful and extremely crazy and wild! I love it! I know i couldn't do it. one night on those boats and i'm ready to crawl into my warm bed and warm shower. They have all touched my life and are helping my heart heal.
I have been living life going with the flow and just letting things happen and it's been amazing. i made a wonderful new best friend whom i can travel and flow freely with. unfortunately he is flying back home on friday. :(
magical life.
i still have pain, and hurt. and i still love.
mahalo for this beautful life and emotions and feelings, good, bad and sad.
I am grateful.
pacificvoyagers.org

Dreams

I can't remember what they're really about I just know the feeling I have when I wake up. The dreams are getting better and the distance helps. Doesn't mean I don't think of u. Every day.

Watching you walk out of my life hasnt made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person,how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

Dreams

I keep dreaming about you. I can't get you out of my head even when I'm sleeping.

chapters turning.

Tomorrow I leave this paradise.
paradise is so magical. and has beat the shit out of me. such an extreme of both worlds.
i'm emotionally broken. my mom and my relationship is shattered. which is sad because she is my mother whom i have loved my whole life. this sickness has taken her over and created a monster. she's treated me so badly that i am walking away. she's alone and dying and i'm walking away from my own mother. whom used to be my best friend. whom i have loved with my whole heart my whole life. and yet she has always drove me nuts. but hey isn't that what mothers do? not to a point of deep depression and non survival. i dropped out of school for her. i put my whole life on hold for her. i rented a house for her (two to be exact) i got a job then got fired because of her. i put all my energy into her only to get it sucked dry.
at this moment in time i have no idea how i feel about her. i'm numb i think.
i've learned so much through this journey though that i know will help me throughout my life. I stress less over the little things. i don't give a fuck actually. i'm stronger and i've never cried so much in my whole life as i have in the past 8 or so months.
i feel like an orphan. if there is one time in my life that my father should have stepped in and changed my mind about him, now would have been the time. but no him and my mother sit on the phone and talk shit about me. i see my friends having healthy, fun relationships with their parents and it makes me sad. sad that i really haven't the slightest idea how that feels.
tomorrow i'm flying to san jose and then going to be spending the next few months in santa cruz. it's a bitter sweet. i'm excited for santa cruz and excited to see some friends and experience life and travel. and my heart is here on this island. here with my mom and here with my friends. and unfortunately here with my ex lover.
some day i will return. for now. off to see the vakas on saturday and see my fiji friends. So excited! :)