awake

I woke up this morning and something crossed my mind. I don't want to be with someone who after a few days of being apart finds a stranger and shares his bed with her. who knows where she's from. do you know her? not likely. she's a stranger. are you being careful. not likely.
you know me better than to even think for once second that i would share my body with a stranger off a boat. i respect myself and my body. it is a temple. sometimes i make mistakes, i'm growing and learning with every one.
 I'm asking of you to respect yourself as well. i was the first. and she won't be the last. many other beautiful girls are going to step into that garage. do you respect yourself enough to handle it?
I have grown a lot of respect for you. and i have lost a lot since this choice.

Crystal ball

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball 

Fools in love

I had no idea how much I love you until you where in the arms of another. I had no idea it would hurt this bad. You know our souls are tied together. I saw it that night. The night we felt our past lives flash before us.
I will heal. Time will heal us. Some day we'll be friends again. And maybe lovers. Only the Creator knows.
And maybe we're done. I just want one thing. To lay in your arms one last time and hear those words and have them be true. " I love you"
I love you. I'm also leaving you.
I wonder if I'll ever stay... I always leave. It's easier than staying. If I was staying I know I could get you back.
So in the long run I'm breaking my own heart.

soul mate

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul make is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.

for now.

i sit alone. and sad. both things i have felt a lot in the past months.
You know those points in your life that you know there is a split in the road and you have to take one direction and you know that no matter which direction you choose your life will go in totally opposite ways.
Like my choice to go to santa cruz.
Everything on this island is telling me to go there. I know i'll be happy once i do.
but i'm still sitting here alone and sad. and missing you.
you're out doing what i wanted, with someone else. someone who looks as if she could be my younger sister. someone who i could have her wardrobe and feel at home. someone who has the same sort of travel sense. i dont know her. and i dont care to know her. i just find it quite ironic.
and i'm slightly jealous.
i know i brought this upon myself. truly honestly.
and i might have caused you the same feeling i'm going through right now. i understand that. i understand that you have every right to be doing what you're doing. and i have no right to be upset or mad. i made my choices and i'm dealing with them. i may regret them. and i made them. it's been done and we cannot go back. i want to go back to those two glorious weeks where we played and made love and had hardly any cares.
it makes me sad that u never really got to know the Jenny that I really am. not this stressed out over emotional girl who feels helpless most of the time.
I'm going to find the old Jenny. the one that could do anything she ever dreamed of. the one who fully enjoyed life. the one who didn't have panic attacks.
i'm glad she has long thick hair. because i know that's how you liked mine.
i'm glad you are willing to talk to me.
i'm glad you're taking care of yourself and that you're happy.
and you know i didn't see it until today. but i think i helped you too. and i think i made an impact in your life even if you never told me i did.
words that remind me of us.
coconut oil
trampoline
back door
baby
electricity
incense
earring hunt
friendship
bliss
church
garage
medicine
love.

I have a feeling that you will have all your dreams come true and god will bless you.

goodbye

for now.

Death

tears trickle down my face as I read both of my grandmother's Obituary's. Though I wasn't extremely close to either of my grandmothers it still is jolting to loose both of them six weeks apart. My mother's mother died May 17th from being senile and having lung cancer. She was 81 years old. She died in a home in west hollywood (i believe). She was angry and confused and upset with what was happening to her. Her son(my uncle) was over seeing her until her death. I never really knew her well and can probably count the amount of times on two hands that I met her. She was a crazy jewish grandmother from New York. Her accent always made me laugh as a child. She brought me to disney land. I loved that.
Her name is Soyna Bander. Everyone called her Soni, and my cousin named her Kra Kra.
I never felt connected to that name or really her. Its sad really. I will break the cycle.
My other grandmother I have fonder feelings and memories with. I also have some regrets. last summer i lived so near her and yet I spent such little time with her.
Her name is Mariyln Madsen. She was 85 years old and she died of a lot of things. I used to actually tease her about always playing that she was going to die because she gave so many scares to her family. and eventually july 1st of this year she actually left. I was not there and it sounded beautiful. She was the perfect example of a grandma. I'm going to add her obituary here and it gives more details. I miss her.

http://www.sherman-knapp.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1206334&fh_id=10890#.TiM_CDMYe2M.emai

Death is weird. I've never had to deal with it before. I knew eventually I would. Just never thought it would hang over my head like a black cloud and take all my "mothers" away from me. I think that may be what is hanging over my mom's head when she goes into her dark space. I wish we could get along. I forget what it's like to have a mother. she's gone. i feel like i've been morning her death for quite some time. She's still alive and i can't communicate with her. it's really sad.

my heart is broken. i broke it. i just wish it could have been different. and we aren't right for each other. i know that. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that i don't miss you. i wish u would come over right now and hug me and hold me while i cry. and i know you won't. and that makes me cry harder.

god please give me a break ok? i really need it. i want something more amazing than i can even imagine to happen. something really really really good. thank you for my life in kauai. it's magical. please guide my choices and my life and help me find myself.

death isn't bad, the in between part is. death is change. and humans for some reason fight change. when i die, i hope it's fast and easy and i'll be ready for it and except it happily.

strong

http://pinterest.com/pin/2988900/

Hope
I'm hopeful
Hopeful that my life will jot continue in the path it has been traveling
I'm grateful
Grateful for the beautiful beings that have blessed my life
Grateful for this beautiful world I live in
I'm grateful for emotions and sensations
Thoughtful
I'm learning to be thoughtful
What if I just threw something important away
Who's says I threw it away anyways? I could have just put it aside until I'm ready for it
Please don't hate me. I love you and cannot bring myself to enjoy that love
How many soul mates do you think a Hunan being has in his life times?
Loving myself I thought was easy. It's the hardest thing I'm reality
I refuse to drown myself trying to save your life
U can swim
I have No idea how I really feel about you.
Thank You Creator for sending angels in my life
Aho